Happiness is a warm beer

Here is a lesson for those of you who enjoy the inflight chefs, the wine list and sky beds of business class. Rack up your points on your credit cards and use them wisely. "booming economy" doesn't have the same to ring to it as "economy"

I'm a late sitter on flights, meaning I'm generally the last one to board given my hate for rush and having to touch anxious strangers with bags too big. I'm the one everyone is pissed off with who saunters in last and quickly throw my hand luggage under the seat in front just before the safety message. However not so easy today. I board the flight only to find that my seat is taken by a lady who flatly refuses to let me have it. She wants both my seat and hers, the one next to mine. She physically wouldn't let me into the seat. Meanwhile the air stewards are attempting to push me into the seat while the women in question was pushing me back. There really is only one thing to do in these situations and it's not what I usually do..... I start to giggle so hard I think I'm going to wet my pants. How can this actually be happening and how does everyone around me think it's so normal?

Let me add now that this here flight is full, there is nowhere else for me to sit. Secretly I was happy thinking well of course now they have to let me sit in business. But no. A young girl a few seats away was forced out of her seat and sent back to her mother and so I finally had a seat. That mess all over and the flight takes off and I think, I either missed that safety message airlines usually like to give or maybe, well they actually didn't give one. Fine by me we all know where the exits are right.

Ok so the next chapter in the flight is my fault I packed my charge cord instead of my headphones, and the airline-supplied numbers aren't cutting the mustard for my iPad. There will be no watching the episodes of the Mighty Boosh I downloaded last night at 2am. Ok so what else is on offer in this bus in the sky? Oh um would 'nothing' be the answer to that question? I think so.

Before I can begin to think of what will entertain me, and I might add here, we are still on a fairly steep incline with seatbelt signs on. The trolley dollies are rattling down the aisles already. I'm pretty impressed by this stage to be honest by the energy, efficiency, guts and ballsiness of these people to break all the so called international flying rules and just get the trolley amongst it and push forward!

"chicken or beef" now doesn't that bring back memories of some 80's weddings? I take the chicken I'm actually scared to eat the fruit, it has had better days and today is clearly a bitter end for it. There is wine on offer but it's 11am. Even for me it's too early.

But a few more hours into the trip with no entertainment and serious boredom settling I have to press the "come help me" button. I ask if I can possibly have some wine. Yes I can apparently have the last 1cm of red wine left in the bottle, and for that matter the last of the wine on the plane We are only 3 hours in. God save me. Most airlines usually would have a stash of wine at hand. And generally anyone wouldn't serve a mere lip-stain of an amount of wine. But it's all happening right before my eyes.

But I can't be beaten, I'm tough, I'm solid, I'll survive I think as I jump and scramble for my airline headphones because I see a movie appear on the distant screen; 10 rows ahead of me. Luckily it's a French film so there are subtitles as f&$I'd if I can hear anything through this head set. Nice, an hour and half of brain escape gotta love it. Yes. No. Right before the end, the movie was interrupted. No that's the wrong word, the movie was stopped. Did Charlotte Win the revolution? What happened to Gerard Depardue die? Not sure but it's more important to show us that map we all love. Great I'm 5678miles above sea level and it's -678 degrees outside but wait, is that the Philippines? Can we just put the movie back on?

No but we can put another movie on, a whole new film. Don't worry about the ending of the last one who cares what really happens in any ending of any movie right? Clearly it's unimportant because just when the next movie was about to show some guts in the end we are interrupted by another very important announcement. The tiny screen changes to show 3 air stewards sitting upright in chairs floating in clouds rubbing their temples for health benefits during your flight. If it didn't look like something Frank Zappa created himself I could have been a bit annoyed, but clearly this has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous and the girls look so cute in their fluffy clouds. I thought, well when in China do as the Chinese do. Most of the other diligent passengers were joining in, rub your temples, remove any tension you may be feeling. Open up your Qi.

The movies are off but the trolley has come around again and this time we have warm beer on offer. Between the cloud ladies and the warm beer I feel comforted and happy. I decide to ask for another pair of headphones and give them a crack on my iPad. If I hold them with both hands to my ears I can just make out the sound. For the last three hours of the flight I watched all episodes of ‘Go back to where you came from’. The messages of compassion and acceptance are pretty clear. I think our media loses focus of the debate and forgets to mention that Australians are essentially a racist bunch. Not sure what it is about flights but I cry watching anything, tears are falling when I see the "shoot em all" lady completely turn. Compassion comes to me from the spitting in cup man beside me who offers up his can of warm beer to cheers with me. We cheers and I give him my handipack of Kleenex. Only four more hours to go.